Season of Insecurity

It's that time of life again...a birthday is in the horizon and I've decided to throw a party. Parties/showers/weddings...these events throw me into a fit of anxiety and insecurity. One would think that after years of this I would either A) not participate in such hosting responsibilities or B) only invite immediate family...however my typical response to the above would be C) none of the above and D) invite a number of people that predominantly do not come.

I am an odd introvert. Perhaps the introvert part is a direct result of the odd part. Likely so...but strangely when 99.9% of the time I would rather be with my family or with no one at all, why do I choose that 0.01% of the time to be a public event?

I debated on this most recent event...I almost didn't have a party at all and then I agonized over the date because I knew few were in town for it. In a frame of mind that I no longer have, it was clear to me that I needed to invite certain people, whether they RSVP'd, came, no showed, whatever the case might be. I think I'm being taught a God-lesson here and I'm anxious (imagine that) to figure out what it is.

Part of the lesson I think I'm already being to understand. These feelings I'm having and have had for ages...they are because I'm thinking about me when I shouldn't be. Considering God, considering spouse, considering family or friends....any of these things should be ahead of my petty personal worries.

The other part that I pray for is that this is for something more than just a personal discovery or lesson...that maybe one of the people that I did invite that I normally wouldn't...maybe there was some reason I needed to. Maybe it was in-law family that we should reconnect with. Maybe it's a church friend or old work friend that the invite planted a seed with. Maybe they won't even come and maybe I won't ever know why...

I suppose we shall see...

Lord Help me 'love one another'

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (KJV) John 13:34

It's somewhat ironic, or a God-thing I guess you could say, that this should be the Daily Bible verse I received in my email this morning. I've really been thinking about this lot. I'm not sure if this is appropriate, but I've been praying that God will help me to love people.

This is not in my nature.

That sounds horrible, and it's not that I exactly dislike people, but I've always been more sensitive than most. I used to be hurt for days as a child if a friend or classmate would tell me to 'shut up.' I remember the time our family went to Disney World and we were eating at China Land but my sister wanted to go to Italy Land (names are likely wrong, but I was maybe 5 or 6 at the time). Huge crowds were at Italy Land and hardly anyone was at China Land. I actually started to cry at the table because I felt so badly for the people that worked there.

So maybe it's not that I exactly dislike people, but it's more of a developed behavior over time I think. When someone hurts my feelings, I will likely never tell them, but I usually begin to pull back. I put space between us until the friendship typically dwindles to nothing. This is likely why I have few long term friendships. The thought of casual social meetings still makes me very uncomfortable, particular with groups of people. I think I almost feel more comfortable on a one-on-one setting, but I'm straying from the subject...

The Bible talks again and again about loving other people...thou shalt love thy neighbor...this is actually a continuation on the verse I received this morning:

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that
you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

Maybe my prayer really should be that I can discern who people "really are" and not the puffed up image of themselves that they may portray. All I know right now is that it's still really hard for me to love that old man that yelled "no" at my 2 year old daughter in the grocery store...or the lady that came screaming towards me in the parking lot of Target swearing that I was about to lose control of either my child or my cart and she didn't want it to be my child.

Oh lovely people...

Who am I

Why create another blog?  Well, I started having blog-thoughts that didn't seem to fit within the 'walls' of 'giggles and gumdrops.'  What to do?  Create my own space...where I can have personal randomness and revelation...without feeling odd amongst poopy stories or sweet memories with my children.

So here we are...first blog entry...and it is....Who am I?

I feel God is really talking to me about this...a couple months ago, I would have said "God TALKS to me?  Really?  How do I know?"  But since having a consistent daily bible reading plan and a committed prayer time, I definitely feel like God is talking to me.  How?  Because I'll read bible verses and hear songs and hear bible study...and on and on and on...and it will all have this odd moment where it keeps pointing to the same thing.

Now I feel like I need to DO something, without fear...I hear the song "Who am I" by Casting Crowns....I've been reading Joshua with the battle over Jericho...it keeps telling me again and again that I need to let God act in my life without fear - because it's not me and my mediocre abilities - but HIM.

Still not exactly what this all means...but I felt the need to blog it into my reality...

Who am I - Casting Crowns